My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
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If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
Passwords are more important than ever.
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’
*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*
*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
Every retail employee should get to hit one customer a year and there is no way for customers to tell if they’ve used it yet
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.