My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
You Might Also Like
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.
9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)
Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.
9: You were alive back then?
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
