My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
You Might Also Like
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
Love thy neighbor’s dog