My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
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There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
Good morning!
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once
the only organized thing in my life is crime
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
Buying a well is money well spent.
This is me
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?