Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie

Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?

Aaaaaand tweet.

“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”

*first day as a Walmart greeter*

Me: You know Target’s still open, right?

Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.

*At The Opera*

Her: Where are you going?

Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.

Her: I have the car keys.

Me: Shit!

“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer

I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone

I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.

nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed

If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house

I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.

Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place

Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?

Me: She will usually tell you.

My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.

My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.

I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?

I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.

Ad: You like to save money, right?

Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary

Me: I’m not paranoid.

Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?

me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux

penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]

me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size

I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”

Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.

What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?

My kid wants to earn money to go on a pricey school trip next year and asked if the tooth fairy gives money for other body parts.

6 month checkup…

Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.

Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.

My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.

called in thicc to work this morning

Genius.

CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on