My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
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Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner
son: why not???
me: because
son: because you ate it all for lunch again?
me:
son:
me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
Bringing home a sharpie
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
It must be so weird to be straight or gay.. like ur just not attracted to half of hot people?
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.
Doctor is treating me with a steroid for my poison ivy and said it will make me very hungry and irritable, so no one should see any changes in my behavior.
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?
I have many caverns
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy