My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
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I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
Blocking someone isn’t enough; I’ll live under their bed and tickle their feet every time they come out of the covers at night.
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
Good boy 😂😂
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
Canada has crack?
I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
Well damn. Winter weather during the winter. What the hell is that all about?
I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
When Dr. Pimple Popper squeezed people’s pimples for fun, they thanked her and gave her a tv show… but when I do it, I’m “violating boundaries” and “committing simple assault”, and “not a dermatologist”.
whenever i see deer hanging out too close to the road i will slowly drive by, roll down my window, and say “you guys are being insane..” they usually just stare and dont say anything back but i can tell they’re utterly embarrassed
Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
sitting in front of a man and woman on the train who have hit it off and lord, this is better than drugs
My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”