Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat

I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.

My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004

her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?

me: it’s the little things that count

When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.

I told my son to do something, and he gave me that ugh attitude. My daughter looked at him, “THIRTY SIX hours!” To remind him how long I was in labor with him lmao

Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.

“Man, what’s eating you today?

*looks down*

I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!

i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it

Average Home Depot experience: 19 year old needs to page the store manager to ask which aisle the light bulbs are in

Average Ace Hardware experience: 79 year old walks you through every aisle of the store and after 4 hours you know how to build a house from the ground up

Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.

Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.

Not Wordle. Just a cactus.

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i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat

I’m not a god.

I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.

There’s a difference.

If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?

Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work

MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this

FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*

I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.

Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.

My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house

For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.

Me: You’re my favorite kid.
My kid: My favorite adult is Santa

single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008

[Planning a heist]

ME: Did you scope the place out?

PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards

ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs

Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.

Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.

My mother is displeased with me.

In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.