My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
You Might Also Like
Why did they call it melatonin and not restosterone?
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
Stonehenge is vulnerable to vandalism because it’s too easily accessible. If our ancestors had possessed any common sense they wouldn’t have built an important monument so close to a major road like the A303.
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
[jungle]
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
security at the airport getting more straightforward
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.
As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
Why would I want a memory pillow? Sleep is where I go to forget.
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.