My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
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Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
Apple needs to develop a feature that disables Amazon when it knows you’re drinking.
Hashtag don’t drink and Prime.
I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
Herpes is trending, good job people
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
(putting my jacket over a woman’s shoulders) I’m actually really cold now haha. It’s ok though. Oh wow it’s super cold. Oh my god
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
Explaining hardcore to my sister:
“Some bands yell their own name in the song and it goes SO HARD.”
My sister: “Like, ‘Shakira, Shakira?'”
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one