My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
You Might Also Like
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
grotesque if literal: baby food
Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?
MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…
GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?
[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use
cyclists
Absolutely no one:
The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD
Dead sexy!!
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.