My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
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God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
Real 😅
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.
LOL!
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
7yo: I lost my tooth! Now I’ll get $100 from the tooth fairy!
Me: Hey buddy, the tooth fairy needs to make sure all kids get money. Don’t be surprised if you get a dollar or something.
7yo: Then why did the tooth fairy give Ray $100 for her tooth??
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”