My doctor said NO drinking for 2 weeks,then we both laughed.

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Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning


[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.


You can lead a horse to water but only if you grew up on a farm or something.


Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.


If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed


@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.


My six replaced the toilet paper roll all on her own and now I’m wondering who her real dad is.


Finding out your ex got fat is like finding 20 bucks in your pocket. Not life changing but definitely puts a smile on your face.


Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder