@Peteypops13

My doctor said NO drinking for 2 weeks,then we both laughed.

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@CyrusMMcQueen

Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning

@david8hughes

[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.

@TheTweetOfGod

You can lead a horse to water but only if you grew up on a farm or something.

@daemonic3

Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.

@thatdutchperson

If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed

@SilenceDogood81

@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.

@just1fool

My six replaced the toilet paper roll all on her own and now I’m wondering who her real dad is.

@Scdavis24

Finding out your ex got fat is like finding 20 bucks in your pocket. Not life changing but definitely puts a smile on your face.

@MattPostSaysHi

Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder