Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
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Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.
Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.
coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
We’d never met, or even spoken, but I could tell just from gazing into her pale blue eyes I had stepped on her toe.
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”