Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.

With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013

Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.

Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.

I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.

getting a divorce to pursue my true passion: collecting alimony

Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.

Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.

We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.

Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.

Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.

This looks nothing like what I ordered…

WTF is this????

i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right

Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.

*hands you baby*

Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.

have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.

when i say “i hate drama” i mean i hate being involved in drama. other ppl drama? big fan

friend: thanks for all ur help

me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it

your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice

And that’s why you clean your room, kids.

Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.

wife: how did the poetry slam go?

me: *taping my glasses back together * better

If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?

The plant app says that I either watered my plant too much or not enough. Where is that Goldilocks chick when I need her?

this full container of cheese balls just rolled out of somebody’s truck onto the road

A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.

Steam Forums

Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you

me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order

The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.