Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.

You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.

[the first ever boomerang]

HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t

I just ate $35 worth of Taco Bell before entering this escape room. We’re getting out one way or another.

added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.

Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.

But like, scarily. Or whatever.

ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!

DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?

wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why

Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.

Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?

Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.

My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.

Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy

Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.

No one:

London landlords:

[on a date]

Him: I love the law.

Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.

I asked my boyfriend if he believed in trolls and elves and he said, “slightly.”

me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?

date: i don’t know

me: one is a spider you idiot

Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.

She said she liked it doggy style…

…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.

Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?

Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.

I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”

ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse

HER: how about we just shave your back instead

[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy

after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion

*Comments on Facebook picture*

“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”

No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.

[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID

[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?