My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
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I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
Step 1: Go for a meal with your friends
Step 2: All place your phones on the table
Step 3: Whoever looks at their phone first pays
Step 4: Shout “SIRI CALL MOM”
Step 5: Never pay for food again
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
Become a minion. Get that bread.
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
Putting up my, “Hell yeah you can trespass, I love when people do that,” sign.
[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
Skip intro
[God creating octopus]
Angel: We’re outta teeth. You gave too many to the sharks
God: Crap. What’s left?
Angel: Ink, suction cups, and parrot beaks
God: Hmmm..
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too