My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
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Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
me: i feel terrible
my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?
me: uh, not really
my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good
Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?
9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.
Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
Body: it’s sleepy time.
Brain: it’s thinky time.
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it