Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:

There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button

Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.

Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.

[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it

Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.

“Go ahead, caller….”

“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”

Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?

– Naaah –

Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one

– LOL NO –

Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL

*Awkward silence*

It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.

DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION

Dentist: How often do you floss?

Dracula: Every day

Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.

Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.

I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”

Mom: Hey, suddenly I can see your posts on Twitter now.

Me: Yeah, wow, that was so weird before when you couldn’t.

I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”

Me: I’d kill for a donut

Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead

Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.

Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party

Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??

Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes

The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…

Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.

My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.

This one never gets the credit it deserves

I thrive on chaos!

*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*

Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”

Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!

I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.

Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.

Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u

My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.

[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”