Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes

ME: Do they have to be mine?

DATE: what

ME: what

Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa

I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.

Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.

4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble

DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news

SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time

My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.

I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.

A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”

At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”

So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?

okay actually I asked them about this because I legit needed keys cut, so I said excitedly “oh do you all do key cutting???” and the cashier was like 😐 “no???” and I was like “then why do you have this sign then??” and he just shrugged and looked at me like I was the crazy one!!

Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.

In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.

[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier

[police chasing man on foot]

Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!

Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.

Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.

Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.

seminar…

Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*

I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.

Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.

Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”

Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”

Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”

Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”

The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.

[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it

The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation

My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.

Me: *has cold*

Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe

I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.

Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.

We were frantic.

Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.

A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”

*beats arachnophobia*

*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*

*fears spiders again*

When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.

my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed