My doctor says I only have one diabete.
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My family likes to play this game called “let’s leave dry fucking toothpaste in the sink until it hardens and we need dynamite just to remove it”
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
heard that the average person swallows eight spiders in their sleep a year
rookie numbers
my personal best was 49 back in ’11
the secret? look for and eat the spiders while you’re awake
no one ever thinks of that
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.
“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
[arrest]
ME: you’ve got the wrong g-
COP: tell it to the judge
[court]
ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.
There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
I’m at the age where I can remember things that never happened.
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
The ample amount of cheese on anything is more