Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁

my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died

my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35

me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”

Cricket: what am I?

God: a bug

Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?

God: you sorta jump big

Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?

God: nah buddy that’s a bird

Bird: *chirps*

Cricket: *chirps*

God: no stop that

If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?

I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler

At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.

Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs

Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?

Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.

My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play

Me: You’re my favorite kid.
My kid: My favorite adult is Santa

I’m not at all competitive [secretly races some woman on the self-checkout next to me so I finish first]

I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.

Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.

Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really matters

Bohemian Rap-sody

HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over

ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over

70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.

GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned

HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no

Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.

I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.

Thus I have to move it to get a beer.

Because exercise is important too.

GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this

who can I pay to hit me in the head with a baseball bat so I go into a coma for exactly 2 weeks and one day

“It’s the most wonderful crime of the year!” I crooned running away with the pot of Santa’s donations.

Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.

[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”

Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.

[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”

Haha no, he went to Disney World.

I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation

Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him

[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?

Me: These books are half price.

Wife: Yeah.

Me: So I can save money.

Wife: Uh huh.

Me: By buying ten times as many.

Wife: NO.

Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around

I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.