My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
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All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
My boss said I’m not allowed to nap at my desk, but apparently I’m not allowed to bring my bed into the office either. Make up your mind!
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.
Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
[Couples therapy]
WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.
THERAPIST: And you, sir?
ME: She’s always in a bad mude.
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
her: what do you do for a living
me: I can’t tell you
her: like a spy
me: no I’m an eye doctor
her: oh an ophthalmologist
me: yeah thanks I don’t know how to pronounce it