My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
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I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
[texting]
ME: I like you, I think you’re cute
MY CRUSH: oh um
ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
look, a three-day weekend once a month is all i ask. the rest can be four-day weekends
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
gave a tox lecture and i made a funny joke and one of students says “haha my friend told me about this joke when you made it for his class last year”
omg my worst nightmare the students are finding out i reuse my jokes noooooo
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
sometimes we need to be reminded
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…