Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.

Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.

When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.

Now that I work in a bank… Same

[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”

[in class]

Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!

Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean

[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato

*sells my soul*

Devil: I want a refund

“The engine light is on” Yeah that means it’s working

I would probably have too much fun as a mortician asking customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-smoking” as opposed to “Cremation” or “Burial”.

[blind date]

Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit

Her: *looks*

Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*

Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete

Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here

[blind date]

her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something

me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship

her: ah there it is

If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.

Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.

sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much

Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB

Me: That guy is a bad apple.

6-year-old: He’s a person.

Me: I just meant he’s mean.

6: Probably because you called him an apple.

Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.

Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?

Goldfish: I forgot

Goldfish 911: Forgot what?

Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?

Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW

[arrives in heaven]

how’d you die?

me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire

Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone

workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them

Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*

Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.

suspect: i ain’t talkin

cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]

suspect: can i have some

cop: cake is for talkers

I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.

My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?

Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?

That’s kind of worrying.

Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.

Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!

Meghan Markle: breathes

Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.

What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?

A πthon