My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
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Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
Due to unfortunate circumstances things are no longer fergalicious nor bootylicious
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
It’s cool that christianity has different saints for different things, like St. Francis is the patron saint of animals and St. Ives is the patron saint presumably of apricot face scrub
Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
I’d be a terrible masseuse. After 5 minutes, I’d be like, “Okay, my turn.”
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.
My daughter is interviewing with an ice cream shop. I told her that when they ask if she has any questions, she should say “Yeah, can you give me the SCOOP on what it’s like to work here?”
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.