My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
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“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
new shirt idea
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:
1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.
2. This is serious, why so many?
3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
I only say stupid things when I talk.
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
The French cow says MEUX…
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
dispatch, i’m on scene here in the woods. victims name is fudd. damnedest thing i ever seen. his rifle’s bent so the barrel was pointin back at him. witness said a rabbit run off right after the shot. yeah his head is off at the shoulders, clean. get me next of kin if ya can.
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8