Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.

Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget

The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER

[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”

10: Mom did you ride a horse and buggy when you were younger?

Me: Go to your room.

[aliens arrive]

people: *screaming crying hiding*

me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*

I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.

Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.

*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*

Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s

*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*

SG- Those aren’t your pants

i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact

I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?

I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.

cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches

glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another

I don’t mean to alarm you but today is Friday the 26th, which is twice as bad as Friday the 13th

Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.

Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.

*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*

HR: We need to talk about your attire.

Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.

it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking

Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.

If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?

Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.

You’ll make me nervous.

I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries

How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?

To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.

My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK

After struggling for ages at this branch with a Smartboard that doesn’t work half the time, we finally talked the library system into replacing it with a Smartboard that works half the time.

Phonetics

Him: How ’bout this rain?

Me: It makes my asshole itchy.

And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.

“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”

I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,

disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?

disciple 2: his dad owns the company

Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?

Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.

Child: I’ll ask mom.