My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
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Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
I have just finished interviewing a young man for a job at my workplace.
I asked him, “Can you perform under pressure?”
He replied: “Im not sure, but I do an amazing Bohemian Rhapsody!”
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
why is being alive so expensive. I’m not even having a good time.
Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok
Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
Me: Excuse me. I have a million presents to wrap and I need to buy some tape.
Store clerk: Scotch?
Me: Even better.
My wife always complains that I pack too many rocks in my luggage but I’ll be a goddamn hero if the worst should happen and someone needs to spell out SOS.