My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
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Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”
I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
eating plastic bags is awesome. i don’t know why everybody is getting mad at me for doing it
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
Social Media and Real life
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers
What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
first you must answer his riddles
