My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.
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I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
me [stands up]:
my watch [passive aggressively]:
you did it
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
Making friends was so much easier as a kid.
5: This is the smallest finger I have.
Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!
Both: (giggle)
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
It was worth a shot 😂
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys
Cashiers are always checking me out
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
That moment of panic when they invite you inside at the start of the birthday party you thought was a drop off.
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.