My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.
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Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.
Me: Really?
Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.
Me: What?!
Mom: He’s an alcoholic.
Me: I don’t think…
Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.
Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.
Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
How all things should be taught/explained.
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
adam and eve had first world problems
Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.