My doctor says I’ve got to give up poorly thought out fruit-based jokes.
I was peachless when he told me.
You Might Also Like
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
It’s always “you’re so cute when you’re mad,” until the house is on fire.
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
The USA is having so many disasters and tragedies you’d almost think it was built on thousands of ancient Indian burial grounds.
First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to