My doctor says I’ve got to give up poorly thought out fruit-based jokes.
I was peachless when he told me.
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me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
as you get older nothing loses its sting more than an authority figure saying they are disappointed in you. like I don’t know what to tell you, Darryl, we can’t both live in the prison of your expectations
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that
tried to buy two florentine cookies and the guy at Canter’s was like “better make it 6 actually” and I was like “ok”
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
apple needs to start giving headphones for free again because if i have to hear that “oh no no no” tiktok audio out loud on the train again im gonna start tying people to the train tracks
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth
“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
Trying to fill my partner in on the latest Magic bannings
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.