My doctor says I’ve got to give up poorly thought out fruit-based jokes.
I was peachless when he told me.
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ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
[Talking Heads GPS]
YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
i don’t want fries. i want YOUR fries.
Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
I think they could have phrased this better
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off
Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.