Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive

You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.

Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.

Parents in the 80s:
Bye.

*trimming my nose hair in the mirror

You sexy beast.

I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.

A letter home from Burning Man:

“My Dearest Martha:

I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”

I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.

Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.

Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.

DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*

MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol

You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.

My baby: Blabalaba! Bolababa!

Me: Yeah, that’s a fair point – I guess it’s really a personal choice, not a matter of figuring out one best practice for everyone. Thanks for talking this out with me.

Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.

ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?

BRIDE: I said NO.

There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.

THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.

Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.

Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday

I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .

Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?

Me: *jumps out the window*

My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.

My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.

Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.

I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact

He living his best life

Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*

Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE

Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No

Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.

If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.

A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.