My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..
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“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
no such thing as a dumb question
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.