Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

First person to eat a banana: this is not good

First person to peel a banana: dude guess what

If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.

[being murdered]

Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*

Me: *becomes even more alive*

don’t we all

A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.

I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”

I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure

I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish

My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick

I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.

[English class]

Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon

Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*

Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’

Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”

i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys

You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.

[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET

Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾

“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean

[class trip]

I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm

DO U HAVE COWS?

Yes, it’s a dairy farm

DO U HAVE WHALES?

Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?

My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too cold

Under my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect

i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad

Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.

Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…

Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.

I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.

Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts

I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂

I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.

DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.

Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.

Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.