Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.

The night before I started work at a global bird conservation charity, I had to google whether birds had teeth.

Do NOT do this 🙄🙄

The internet is magic sometimes.

I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more

washing hands before coronavirus:

– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off water

washing hands after coronavirus:

– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one

For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.

She said she wanted to eat at “the most expensive place in town” so here we are at the stadium concession stand.

Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:

Pick up a kid

Unlock a door

Load a rolled rug into your trunk

Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.

The Rules

My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.

If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own

My whole life was a lie.

*catwoman struggles into suit*

*catwoman realises she needs to pee*

*crie*

I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today

Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*

Guy at next urinal: holy shit

Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.

Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.

Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.

Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.

If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano

BREAKING: NYPD has located the tunnel the assassin used to escape the city but found it to be merely a painting on a brick wall and smashed up several squad cars upon trying to enter it

Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send

Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.

Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.

“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.

Happy for shogun. The show that dared to ask questions like “what if we have good lighting?” and “what if you can see what’s happening? Even at night???”

My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!

Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy

When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!