My doctor sucks. Didn’t even kiss it better.
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Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
Why would I want a memory pillow? Sleep is where I go to forget.
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
dan dan noodles… the food so nice they danned it twice. thanks for liking my posts
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
1st package: elaborate ribbon! precision corners! glittering magnificence!
4th: wrapping paper, some tape
15th: plastic grocery bag, staples
*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?