My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
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[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
Man sits by me on train.
MAN: Loads of psychopaths around here
ME: Really?
MAN: Loads mate
ME: How’d you know?
MAN: There’s signs aren’t there?
ME: I guess?
MAN: I love them
(47 minutes of awkward silence.)
Man leaves train, he has a bike. I realise he was saying ‘cycle paths’.
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
I didn’t think I had much in common with squirrels until I saw one risk his life for a crouton.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.