My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
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Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
“It’ll be dead soon. Nature abhors a vacuum.”
-commentsivehadafew
Okay, he’s ricocheted off a few buildings, but he seems fine now.
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.
ME: No thanks.
CASHIER: It comes with free refills.
ME: I do like free refills…
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
My dream job is getting paid to dream
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.