My doctor told me “good luck” and gave me finger guns so obviously I’m dying
![]()
You Might Also Like
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
how much does a mortician urn in a year
how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
agent: *getting tortured* do your worst
villain: why would i do that
agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough
villain: i’m always doing my best
agent: i know. you’re doing great
villain: thanks
You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
“what’s a skit rip?”
– me, misreading “ski trip” on the mini crossword time to put me in a nursing home omg
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?