Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife thought I was going to the gym because I left in sweatpants, with a sweat towel and a gallon of water.

I was going to the all you can eat Chinese buffet.

The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten

Again, I went to pick up a prescription and the pharmacist asked for my date of birth. I told him to write it down this time.

Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize

good work, everybody

I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?

I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.

I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money

I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.

I’m not making a lot of progress.

I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.

It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.

Five-word horror story:

“I’m going that way too”

Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.

Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.

[second date]

Me: so… is this your first police chase?

Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot

My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon

I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.

How to pet your cat:

1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong

If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.

In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”

Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”

Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”

People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.

I dreamed I won $10 million on a slot machine so you can imagine how thrilled I was to wake up and get ready for work.

I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere

LADIES, imagine this.

It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.

it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.

it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.

it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.

“So basically, they’ll either be able to go back 10 seconds by tapping this one, or about an hour and a half by pressing this one and leaving it for over 0.3 of a second”

“Anything in between?”

“Nope”

[Standing ovation]

“Rewind” department meeting at streaming service HQ.

I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you

spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks

*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?