Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*puts on winter boots*

*trudges through newly fallen legos*

When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying

My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!

A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.

*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell

16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.

I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.

“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies

Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?

-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper

Roman: Any last words?

Jesus: I’ll be back.

89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”

My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.

Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?

Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right

I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.

I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card

[inventing allergies]

god: make them feel like shit

angel: from what

god: outside

My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.

Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.

good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler

Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.

Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.

Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks

No man left behind.

No stone left unturned.

No donut left uneaten.

[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]

NO. DEAR GOD, NO!

Me (seductively looking at a potato): would mash.

Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.

*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*

[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.

I don’t eat some foods.

-vagueans

two unread emails:
– from HR: please fill out our anonymous survey
– from Boss: don’t forget about the survey, HR said you are the last one from our team