Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.

Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this

I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!

When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.

“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”

It’s always “you’re so cute when you’re mad,” until the house is on fire.

*Coats body in coffee grains

*Waits for osmosis to occur

“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever

[1st date]

HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?

ME: OMG SAME

HER: What part’s ur fave?

ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo

HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex

ME: we learned a lot though

HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”

Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos

#polloftheday

The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.

Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.

Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!

I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.

Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.

I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.

On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.

Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.

Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.

Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”

Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.

So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider

[first day as a stand-up comedian]

batman: how’d I do, alfred?

alfred: i felt like your dad.

batman: proud?

alfred: 💀💀

I remember when I was 14 I really wanted a ZX Spectrum. I did odd jobs, and saved up my pocket money and paper-round wages until eventually I had enough money to pay my cousin Dawn to steal one from Dixon’s

I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there

The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early

“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69 

Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach