My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
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My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me
Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese
[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin
entitled millennials are “quiet nourishing” – taking 20, even 30 minutes out of the middle of the work day to eat food. we interviewed 87 corporate bosses who hate it
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)PRINT
Printer)No
Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000
WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’