Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh

My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”

Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”

friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM and

me:
I’m already out.

You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes

The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”

Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.

prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo

Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.

I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble

[my first day as a 911 operator]

*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy

Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night

[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?

Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?

My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.

The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.

wife: I’m having a baby.

me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.

(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!

Courtroom:

Me: … Well this is embarrassing

Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?

Me: *turns on the blender* What?

Husband: I said…

Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!

[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit

I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.

I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.

But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.

A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”

My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway

*Gets on plane*

*Takes out earbuds*

*Untangles earbuds*

*Plane lands*

Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.

Billion dollar technology idea:

A printer that works

It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.

The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!

Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.

Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.

Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.

Me: How was school?

6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?

Me: …because I want to know.

6: That’s not a very good reason.

A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself