My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
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At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.
me, flirting: did it hurt?
her: what
me: when you fell from the ugly tree and landed on your face
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
O Wise One….
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.