Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”

I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.

🤣✨#caturday

Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.

So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.

One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho

i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her

Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.

I’m too Shreksy for my shirt

never deleting this app.

Them: This is a knife for cutting cake

Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake

Them:

Me: Oh

My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.

Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”

[Calling doctor’s office]

Lady: When is your child’s birthday?

Me: *panic* click

If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.

[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that

Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?

My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs

back to work

[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?

I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.

SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE

Looking forward to all the photos of people putting Luigi on top of their Christmas tree

Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.

“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”

Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.

Angel: So the sins are deadly.

God: Yep!

Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?

God: Well, no.

Angel: So why call them deadly?

God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?

*getting a deli sandwich*

person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?

me: yes

person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price

me: that’s ok I’m good

person: it’s FREE cheese tho

me: I don’t want that much cheese

person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE

Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.

When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”