Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out

I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference

I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.

For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.

If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.

“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door

My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.

Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws

michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe

My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.

Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed

[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating

A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.

“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”

casting director: whenever you’re ready

me: the name’s bond… james bond

casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns

me: no

I’ll have enough candy left for trick or treaters tonight… if there are only 8 of them.

And they come in the next 15 minutes.

Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.

What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.

What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.

4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute

40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.

[At my funeral]

Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.

Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.

Top Gun is a Christmas movie.

There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose

You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.

ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?

ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.

ME: I know. How about Friday?

When my son was little he asked me where poo came from. So I went thru this awkwardly disgusting story explaining the process.
He looked up at me confused with a quivering lip and said….. and Tigger?

Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?

Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?

I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.

Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?

Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?

I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.

-me, to my cheese and crackers.

CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.

Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.

If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.