Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money

If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.

I have never heard an armadillo before.

“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”

No, it’s literally 2 syllables

Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.

Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.

when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”

My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.

BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*

GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*

BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.

Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds

My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it

Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.

Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him

Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.

“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.

Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.

— an Easter egg

He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor

Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”

I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”

(Me playing guitar)

3: Daddy what’s this song called?

Me: Going Nowhere.

3: I know that but what’s this song called?

Burned by a 3yo.

Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.

Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.

[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahaha

Colonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?

Me: Yeah why?

Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now

It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.

Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?

Her: Justice.

[immigration hall]

Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?

Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both

You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….

She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.

Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle

Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.