My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
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My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
My daughter just asked me why can’t she just quit school.
I told her it’s against the law and I could go to jail for it.She looked me in the eye and said….
“I’ll visit you”
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
fixed it
Duolingo getting serious.
Why would I go to my high school reunion? I didn’t want to be there the first time.
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
beginning to suspect my gf is only using me for my foot warming capabilities late at night
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for youMe, handing out Halloween candy
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas