My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
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SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
Apologies to our waitress Amy who said to my dad, “wanna box for the leftovers?” and he replied, “no, but I’ll wrestle you for them” hope we tipped enough
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
Welcome to the stomach
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)