My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
You Might Also Like
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.
me: your dad and i were married 7 yrs before we had you
12: why would you wait so long to have such an amazing experience
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
According to the price for a graduation cake from Baskin, son is either getting a cake or college, not both.
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is hkH6U3pvL2PbqtEf
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]
How do I know I’m awkward? One time someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “cheese”
Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly