My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
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My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
Forget first names. We should just name storms after specific people. If you told me “Jane Ellen Green” (my former trigonometry teacher in high school) was headed my way, I’d be terrified & take immediate cover
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?
I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
–
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really