My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
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Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
Me: Remember when I rubbed you out?
Genie: Stop saying it like that.
Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum
It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”
Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
The Onion called it…again.
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.