My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.
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Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
Me: Yes and No.
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
middle school in the ’90s
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
Me: How awful do I look?
Him: You always look beautiful.
Me: Do I need to put makeup on?
Him: Maybe just a…
*stare*
Him: No.
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”
my fav colour is also hitler
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:
– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad
– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise
– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral
– there’s like a groom or w/e idc
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.