My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
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#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
I don’t care how comfortable it looks, I’m not buying a chair called a Lovesac.
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
Called in, “Let’s make this simple. What excuse haven’t I used yet?
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
[Amazon marketing emails]
‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*
‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*
‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*
‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*
*looks in mirror*
Hmm *—add to basket*
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
I know so many people with cats and only a tiny number of them went to a shelter and picked out a cat.
Everyone else I know with a cat has a story that’s like “yeah he just moved in.”
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
Good morning, Twitter x
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.