Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.

Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it

[watching kids make snowman]

Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?

Wife: Yes…why?

Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…

I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.

OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE

My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”

If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?

Checkmate, science.

“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”

Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth

My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.

How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it

*uses Ouija board*

ＮＥＷ ＰＨＯＮＥ ＷＨＯ ＤＩＳ

the lamestream media wants you to call them “pigeons”. but CRIME BIRDS are terrorizing our cities: stealing wifi, causing sunspots, downloading cars

I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.

The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.

All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.

I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!

To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.

having a therapist is so funny like this is my emotional support 26 year old white girl with a masters degree

When you’ve been debugging for hours and the issue was a missing semicolon, you appreciate the little things. Also, considering a career in farming.

360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case

I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.

You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.

*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”

how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in

Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant

My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?

Cow werewolves transform during a full moo.

…No, YOU shut up.

It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.

Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday

Wife: aw that’s sweet

Jesus: wow

Does beer think about me too?

On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!