Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.

Me: This show sucks
Boss: Again..this is a zoom meeting

Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral

Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.

Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*

Contrary to popular belief, you can’t see the Great Wall of China from space.

However, if you listen intently, you can hear my kids fighting over an iPad in Texas.

No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.

– First day of College
– Dorm meeting

Dorm monitor: Any questions guys?

Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??

“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”

It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer

Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine

sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?

when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van

Magician: Is this your card?

Me: Yes

Magician: And this?

Me: Yup

Magician: How about this one?

Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet

Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.

Judge: That’s my job!

Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.

Sam: No one else is here.

Sam: You’re here.

Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!

Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!

Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack

Our youngest son graduated with a bachelor’s degree in English. We bought him a car because we’re proud of him. And because he’ll probably have to live in it.

me: how do i come off?

firefighter: kind of cringe

me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?

“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.

every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?

Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert

Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.

In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.

*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*

SCARY COSTUME

[During sex]

Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting

Me: It helps me in bed

Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS

This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.

i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.

My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.

my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement