Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.

So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options

Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no

MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool

thinking about this

overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”

Nice to have free crisps in the hotel room and these look definitely fit for Consumption.

I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.

Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.

I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.

Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.

Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context

Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background

So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY

the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.

it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops

Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.

Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me

[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”

Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.

If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.

I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.

“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.

The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.

Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.

The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.

Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.

You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.

Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before

Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time

I don’t think I can be bothered with dating anymore?

My husband: