Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary

When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.

My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.

Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL

my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch

– when did competitive farting become a thing

– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds

– bean-free chili recipes

It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.

*husband rolls his eyes then instantly regrets it

My brain:
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’t

Me: burns his grilled cheese sandwich on both sides

18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days

Me: *tips the waiter*

Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*

I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes

me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]

him: is that all you got

me: yeah inflation’s bad

Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol

Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”

[looking at pregnancy test]

Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird

Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird

One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.

I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.

the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now

🦝🔥🦝🔥

Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.

Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”

#merica

Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice

The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.

If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.

-5 asking for chips for breakfast

i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.

Biden: Trump’s sons were nice

Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day

B: Uday and Qusay?

*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*

I won’t say anything if you don’t.

*continues rummaging*

Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂

Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.

*in the car*

dog: where we going?

me: to the neuter clinic

dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!

me: no. your nuts