My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
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Harsh but fair
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
Once I shot a man with a paintball gun, just to watch him dye.
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
“Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?” he asks.
“What’s a matter baby?” I ask.
I’m shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it.
“Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?”
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
Fridgescaping- we stopped being able to afford to fill our fridge with groceries, so now we’re going to add some decorative yard sale finds to fill the void
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
Siri, fight Alexa.
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*
Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*
Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*