My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
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Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
“Ooh, you’ve caught the sun”
Translation: You look like you’ve been swimming in a volcano
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
People are always saying “not today, Satan” but what if we just hear him out
My tire pressure won’t make up it’s mind. Are we married?
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
Someone in the line at the gas station just now told me I had pretty hair, so I said thank you while laughing nervously and flipping it, hitting them right in the face. Let. Me. Die.
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?