My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
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Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
Body by sandwich.
ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
having a room in your house where there is a car and a refrigerator is crazy to me