My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
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If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.
Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
Ladies, why y’all do this?
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
This is the greatest and I won’t hear otherwise.
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.
The only way I could enjoy a shower more is if my showerhead made a thunder sound when it came on so I could pretend I am a leafy head of lettuce in there
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…
My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
I like donuts.
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