Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.

-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas

I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious

Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.

Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…

Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.

These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.

We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.

[having sex with centaur]

ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*

OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail

If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”

My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.

It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.

Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.

*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right

I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.

Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.

There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.

if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.

My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.

How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.

[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks

No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.

Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.

I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”

[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u

[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]

Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.

According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.

[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*

“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).

Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.

If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show

My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd

WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?

SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN