Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“To each their own”

Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.

I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.

Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you

Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs.

I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.

I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them

People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.

Kid: I wanna be a teenager
Teenager: I wanna be an adult
Adult: I wanna be asleep

Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce

Anyone under 6ft 4 who wants to use an umbrella in a crowd should have to do a course.

I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.

me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.

lawyer: i think you mean alleged.

me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.

Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*

Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*

🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶

son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn

a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it

I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.

[spelling bee]

judge: your word is mississippi

pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p

judge: im sorry you’re missing an i

pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.

When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.

Current mood: Potato

You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.

Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.

Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.

My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…

I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.

Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?

Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.

I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.

A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls

An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.

No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.

Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.