My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
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I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
He instantly became one of the bros
Seen an ambulance at the hospital..i hope the doctors are ok
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
Drove past Sheffield a few times over the years & always wondered what they were building with all the cranes. Every year the cranes were there & I said to my husband how long have they been building there? The look on his face when he told me it was a crane yard.
Discuss
cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer
Principal: about your son…
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
Please do it!
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you