My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
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jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.
on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR
The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
400 fucking grocery carts to choose from and I always pick the Ford Pinto with a flat tire.
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
Got into the habit of meowing like a frustrated cat at every mild inconvenience at home. Did it at work today.
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
The next person to ring the doorbell on a Saturday trying to sell something will be subjected to my 6yo’s full lecture on lizards, and let me warn you, it’s long
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
In an attempt to groggily say hello, I sent “moron” instead of “morning” in a chat to my boss. How’s your day?
Some people can start a task and then just finish it instead of trying to do a hundred things at once like a squirrel on crack
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed
[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’