Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka

grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones

me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not

I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.

A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.

I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.

“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”

If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.

One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.

After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.

100% of divorces begin with marriage.

My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.

[at parent-teacher night]

Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, too

Me: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*

{On Tinder}

ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please

MEDIA: These mysterious ruins may hold unknown secrets!

ARCHAEOLOGIST: We actually have a pretty decent idea wh-

M: Archaeologists are stumped!

A: No, we have a good amount of evi-

M: Was it even humans?

A: Yes. Yes it was.

M: Perhaps we’ll never know!

A: *screams*

wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats

Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria

*tourists taking photos*

Me: Any questions? Yes. You there

Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room

Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party

Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.

Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.

I know everything is expensive right now, but just remember correcting people’s grammar online is still free.

Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked

Me: preferably over some type of heat source

Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.

me: I think my hippo might be dying

vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse

me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO

Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too

My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.

Me: Should we watch WandaVision?

Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it

3: *draws a rune on the wall*

POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb

A guy just commented on how classy I am

So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”

Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me

Everyone else time travelling: *preventing wars or the spread of disease*

Me: *buys multiple pairs of my favorite shoes they’ve stopped making*